Though last 20 yrs. Of my life was not easy for me to survive but I was never this devastated before. I was pained, I suffered a lot but I never felt this alone and helpless as I am feeling now. I don’t know what is it with the year,that it has made me see the worst sides of my life. The more it has made me stronger the weaker I have become emotionally and personally. Though it has helped me to develop a “ care a damn “ kind of attitude towards the world but at the same time it has made me care a lot for my own self. I have become more vulnerable to the loneliness in my life and it’s getting really hard for me to bear it anymore. A void is there in my heart and hollowness in my feelings. It’s really painful to feel every damn emotion at its extreme and I am bearing that pain from more than a decade now. It seems like a season of loneliness, pain and voidness has frozen my whole life. I can only live in pain and loneliness, I can only breath in that and I am nurturing myself from that only. This year has made me extremely vulnerable and has destroyed my self-control brutally. This year is changing me slowly and slowly. I wonder if I would ever be able to gain my lost parts or would ever be able to regain myself again in any part or path of my life. It’s killing my innocence and I can only watch helplessly loosing the most treasured possession of mine. I don’t even know what I will become after this phase, how I will survive this period and what I will be left with.
I feel so helpless and tired and
don’t know why all of a sudden I am this much broken that I can’t even have
strength to boost myself control, to collect my broken pieces. I am bleeding
hard with my each broken pieces and my every broken pieces is hurting me to no
extent. I think this year will going to destroy me totally to an extent I will
never be able to re-create myself ever. And moreover either its creation in its
all natural form, something cannot be re-created as it was used to be or if it happens by any means then
it will never be same again. I really don’t know what is it with this year that
I just wanna disappear in thin air and don’t wanna feel the way I feel which I
don’t even know. I have read Eliot’s “Wasteland “and “hollow men” and I can
exactly feel the same feeling creeping inside me with each passing day. I feel
day by day my heart & soul is converting into wasteland and a hollowness
and void in my thoughts. Every rational and motivational thoughts is left
somewhere behind and here I am burning in my own hell with no one to tell me a
way out or help me out. I was alone and maybe I will be alone but now I am so
alone in my loneliness also. Loneliness however is sometime so creative but I
am surrounded by a destructive loneliness destroying me to an extent I doubt I
will ever be same again, giving scars to my soul which will going to last
forever, snatching dreams from my sleep
giving me sleepless nights and a day full of an unknown painful restlessness
and helplessness. I am living alone in a world full of people and surviving
lonely in a crowded world. Surrounded with my own people or say family and
friends I still stand lonely everywhere b’ coz everyone is busy in their own
materialistic showoffs , no one care if u live or die, no one care if their
attitude is killing something noble and divine every second . This is how this
world goes on, the typical materialistic society. People around me feel
satisfied and happy by adoring me with clothes and money, I wish they could
have ever understood, that will not buy me happiness and those expensive
clothes will not satisfy my craving soul which crave for togetherness, care, understanding,
trust, love; which crave for their time which they don’t have for me. Nothing
can compensate these feelings. People try to compensate these feelings by
giving money and clothes, how pathetic it is. Nothing can compensate the time
one take out from their busy schedule to be with their loved ones.
May be someday all those people
realize this and want to fill the gaps created by them but some mistakes can
never be corrected. As its told time cannot stop for anyone neither it ever
return so u can never go back in time to clear the mess you have created.
Whatever is happening and what it is making me day by day and how it is
changing me bit by bit will never be undone. So one can never change the persona
of mine which has gone through all destructions. The gaps time has created will
never fill again, and the scars it has given on my soul will last forever. I
will never be same again but I wish to see what I gain in this bargain of my
lost soul…………….
With these lines Manvi closed her
diary which she has found a day back while cleaning her house for Diwali. She
remembers she was cleaning her old books in the storeroom when she found her
personal diary lying in a corner which held so many untold moments and feelings
of her life. A rush of familiar emotions rushed through her heart and she felt
so many emotions coming alive with the touch of her best companion: her diary.
Manvi was no writer but pains and helplessness in her life has forced her to
pen down her emotions on paper to be sane either she has been insane with all
the happenings in her life. At first it was her frustration and anger which she
share with her diary but later it became a nice escape from the world of pain,
a platform to share her feelings and the journey continues, and when that
non-living diary converted into a wonderful living companion she don’t know.
But those diary writings gave her self control and hope and moreover it has
brought the writer side of her to the canvas of life. She started painting her
life with the brush of words on the pages of diary. Though there was pain in
her life but she learned to cope up with it and stay stronger. She started
learning with her every pain and that has shaped her life.
To find her old companion once
again she became exited just like a child she used to be in her childhood and
started going through the pages with tears in her eyes and a sweet smile on her
lips. It’s like all moments came alive with the touch. She was touching the
pages of diary so affectionately like she was hugging her best friend. It was
strange to feel a feeling so divine, so pure, so unconditional love to a non
–living object, but that diary was not non living for Manvi but it is her past
life she was touching, it was her own self she was living which she has lost
somewhere....
The shriek tone of ringing alarm
brought her back to the present and with a sigh she turn off the alarm and with
an affectionate touch she put her diary in her drawer and locked it. Taking a
long breath she looked outside her window to witness the fresh morning rays
peeping through her window and the chirping of birds indicating the start of a
new day. Though nothing is different about the morning neither the day ahead
but she has changed a bit over night. As usual she has no one to hear her out
or understand her but she care not as she has found her best companion to share
her heart felt feelings with and she is sure this will bring the best out of
her and she will once again be able to gain her lost self control.
With these thought, determined
she moved towards her kitchen to prepare breakfast for her kids and husband.
While working in kitchen she put on her favorite music after a long time and
enjoyed her daily chorus. While working she was humming herself and enjoying
her work. That’s how her husband Abhimaan found her when he walked in the
kitchen to ask for tea and got surprised to see Manvi like that. He stood in
the corner watching her humming the song and working, as she was oblivious of
his presence. For standing there for five minutes and not getting her attention
finally he coughed. That has worked and she stopped singing abruptly and turned
toward him startled. Finding him there she took a sigh of relief and uttered
with a fake anger:
Maan u scared me...
u wake up!!!
Ok go and sit in the living room I will bring you tea there only and please just
check if milkman has dropped milk packets on door or not…..!!!
She was talking non-stop doing her work but
Abhimaan was lost somewhere and he was stuck on only one word “MAAN”….she has
never addressed him “Maan” ever .she always used to address him with “ suniye
jee” or Abhimaan sometimes, but never Maan. What has changed overnight? His
wife seems to surprise him today, but whatever has changed it has changed for
good and he likes this change very much. No one has ever called him “ Maan “
ever and he has never allowed anyone to call him with short names also but it sounds
so good when she calls him with that.
With smile on his face he left
kitchen to check upon the milk packets over the door. As he opened the door
fresh morning rays peeped inside the house and spread its warmth all over. Maan
also spread his arms and stretched himself to enjoy the morning rays as his
heart was already filled with warmth her wife has showered on him. He picked up
the milk packets and put them on the table and sat there with newspaper to know
what is happening around the world but by putting much effort also he
was not able to read a single paragraph. He could not able to stop his thoughts
and eyes to roam around her wife who seems to change overnight. He kept on
staring at her till she came in front of him to give him his morning tea. After
giving him tea she hurriedly went into kids room to wake up” Abhi and Navya” . After
waking them up she again went into kitchen to prepare breakfast and then
shouted from there only to make myself ready either I will be late for my
office.
Taking a sigh I stand up and went toward my room to get ready and when
I came out all ready, she was feeding my kids and arranging their bags also in
between. I sat on the dining table and my children wish me morning. She brings
me breakfast and bid Abhi & Navya good bye. She sat with me on the table
serving me breakfast and having herself a cup of tea. I was so much curious to
know what has changed over a night and while staring at her intently...
I asked: why she called me “ Maan “ today.
At first she stared at me quietly
and then slowly asked, don’t you like that?
I stared back at her and told,
well! I love that but why all of a sudden you called me “maan”, you have never
called me with this name before.
She replied back staring at me:
aren’t you my pride, my husband and that’s why I called you that. You are my
MAAN, my pride to be proud of.
And with her answer I felt myself
going speechless though my heart filled with warmth, affection, care, trust and
love for my wife who don’t talks about her feelings much but will make you feel that
in its extreme form. I was overwhelmed. I feel blessed to have such a wonderful
life partner, my soul mate, my MANVI.
I didn’t have words to express my
feelings; I simply held her hands and kissed it. She blushed and her cheeks
turned to dark sheds of pink and I whispered I LOVE YOU simply b’coz that’s all
I had to say. she turn more pinker and asked me with fake anger to finish my
breakfast ,either I will get late for my office and I laughed out loud to see
my innocent wife trying to escape from my intense gazes and my lovely romantic
sessions. Seeing me laughing first she stared at me with fake anger and then
smiled warmly. This was a perfect morning start. I finished my breakfast and
she handed me my bag and wallet and bid me good bye. I hurried for the office
but then suddenly turned back and kissed her on her forehead and wished her
bye. She smiled warmly at me and waved her hand.
With closing the doors after Maan
has left I came and sat on the sofa and started thinking about the morning
happenings and remembering the goodbye kiss and the talk on breakfast, I
blushed. Does maan is this much romantic; I never knew this side of him. He was
so sweet and in those moments I felt so blessed to have him in my life. I
wonder what has changed overnight, and why all of a sudden I called him Maan
when I never called him with this. Is he changed, or something changed in me
overnight. And my thought suddenly went to diary my long lost companion which
has always helped me to shape my life, which has always touched my life in a
way no one can ever. So this change is nothing but the " Midas touch " of my diary to my
life again to make it more beautiful in every possible way….With realization I
smiled and started reading newspaper because now I knew everything will going
to be all right.
( Anshu )
